


Absolution

by Weisse_Rose



Series: The hugs that we deserved (Standalone Hurt/Comfort stories) [3]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Guilt, H/CwP, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 07:36:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13899372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weisse_Rose/pseuds/Weisse_Rose
Summary: Set in S02E06 "Monster". Lucifer is torn apart by his guilt over killing Uriel, refusing any offer of comfort from Chloe.My second try at fixing the events of that episode.





	Absolution

"Shoot me! Well, go on then! What are you waiting for?", he taunted the sniper. "Just shoot me right now."

A shoot rang out loudly and Lucifer closed his eyes for a split-second, feeling relieved. Finally, he was getting what he deserved. Then he opened them again to watch Chloe crumble to the floor and the feeling turned to horror. _No_ , he thought, _no, no, no, no, no, no. Not her. Me._

He rushed foward, kneeling beside her, but Chloe was already getting back on her feet, a pained expression on her face. Her hand came up to her arm and he saw that the bullet had barely grazed her. Relief washed over him like a tidal wave. _She's going to be fine_. He repeated the words over and over in his head. Out of their own accord, his hands reached out to her, needing to feel, needing to make sure that she was okay, that he hadn't screwed things up even worse by taunting the sniper until he made a shot. 

It seemed this time his foolishness would go unpunished. _She's fine._. Some time must have passed because he already heard the sound of approaching sirens. An ambulance came to a stop outside of the glass front window, making him turn to the sound. He saw the sniper being led away in handcuffs. He looked back down to Chloe who was looking at him, her expression full of shock. There was no accusation there, but he was sure it would follow later when she figured out that she had been shot because of him.

He couldn't deal with this. Not now. Chloe was fine, that was all that mattered. He turned around without another word and fled the scene.

* * *

He stood at the bar in his loft, pouring himself the third drink in a row with trembling hands. _You almost got her killed._ His hand started shaking so badly that he was forced to put down the bottle. _She's fine. She's fine. She's fine._

He gripped the glass with such force that it shattered in his hand. _Bloody hell_ , he thought. He lifted his hand and stared at the small shallow cut in his palm in confusion. Then the doors of the elevator opened, revealing the reason for his sudden vulnerability.

Chloe walked in, looking distraught. Her arm was bandaged, but she seemed to be deeply unsettled. And this was it, this was the part where she would tell him to go to hell. That he was a liability. That he almost got her killed today. That she didn't want to work with him anymore. And he would nod and accept it, because it was the truth. He didn't deserve the place by her side, he never had.

She came closer and he noticed that her hands were trembling as well. He realized that he had been so focussed on his own misery that he hadn't even taken a moment to consider how she was feeling. She had been shot not an hour ago. She was probably in shock. 

"I'm so sorry", he stammered, forcing the words out. She nodded absently, then she stepped up to him, her arms going around him, holding on tightly. This wasn't at all what he'd expected. He'd prepared himself to be yelled at, accused, send to hell. Instead, Chloe buried her head in his chest, making a chocked of noise much like a sob and that finally broke him out of his stupor. He drew his arms around her, lowered his chin to her head, and closed his eyes.

"Hey", he said, meaning to soothe her, but his voice was still trembling. "It's okay. You're okay", he said, needing to convince them both that it was the truth. He lifted his right hand and began running it through her hair slowly. He felt her relax against him, some of the tension draining out of her. 

They remained like this for several minutes. He felt Chloe relax more and more, her rapid breathing slowing down, the soft trembling in her limbs ebbing away. 

He stood and held her. He felt, bit by bit, how the massive weight that had been crushing his chest ever since he picked up the blade lifted slightly. It shifted and all the things that he had bottled up behind it threatened to spill out. He gasped, his hands clenching, trying in vain to keep everything at bay, to stay in control of the situation. He suddenly needed to get away, to be alone, and he tried to draw back, back Chloe didn't let him go, holding on to him tightly. He could have forced her to let him go, after all, he was much stronger, but he didn't.

Something shifted. His hand stuttered in its movement, his head dropped to her shoulder and all of a sudden it was her holding him. This was all wrong. She didn't understand. He was guilty. He needed to be punished. He deserved to suffer. Her shirt was getting wet where he was leaning against her and he realized that he was crying. Her hand came up to stroke through his hair, mirroring his earlier movement. "Sshhhh", she whispered to him, "It's okay."

He pulled his head back forcefully, chocking down a sob. "It's not okay. It's never going to be okay. I did something terrible that can never be undone. I-" The guilt and despair consumed him again, making it impossible for him to go on.

Chloe put her hand on his face, stroking her thumb over his cheek in a soothing gesture. "Whatever it is, I forgive you."

He finally managed to draw back from her. "How can you possibly say that? You don't even know what I did. I'm a monster. I'm _evil_."

She stepped closer, locking eyes with him. She put both of her hands on his face this time, willing him to listen. "Whatever you did, I can see that it is eating you alive. So I'm sure you wouldn't have done it if there had been any other way. So I forgive you."

"There's always another way. I should have found another way. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish I could go back and find another way." 

He felt the dam break. Felt all the things he'd been trying desperately to keep at bay spill out. He started sobbing. His knees buckled. Chloe rushed forward, supporting him and the two of them landed on the floor in a tangled heap.

"Make it stop." His voice was barely more than a whisper. "Please make it stop. I can't bear it. Make it stop."

Chloe's hand came up again, running slowly through his hair. She started whispering soothing words to him that he couldn't quite make out. It didn't matter. He drew his arms around her and held on. And cried. She just held him, continuing to stroke his hair and talk to him. He couldn't have said how long they sat like this. 

It felt like a long time later when he finally pulled back. He was a complete mess, covered in tear tracks and snot, his hair messed up, his eyes red. He cleared his throat, then stood up slowly and made his way over to the bar. He grabbed a glass that was still intact and poured himself a generous amount of hard liquor, downing it in one gulp. 

He grabbed the bottle to pour himself another drink, but Chloe came to stand beside him and put her hand over his on the bottle, stopping him. Her thumb started softly stroking over the back of his hand and the simple gesture was nearly enough to send him over the edge again. He pushed the tears that threatened to fall once more down forcefully.

"Please just- just go. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve _you_."

"Yeah? Well, tough shit." She ducked under his outstreched arm to mold herself to his chest again. "Life's not fair. We don't always get what we deserve. You'll just have to deal with having me, because I'm not going anywhere."

He let go of the bottle and embraced her again. "I almost got you killed today. You shouldn't be anywhere near me."

"True, what you did was pretty reckless. But it probably saved a woman's life."

"That's not why I did it."

She pulled back a little in order to catch his eye. "Stop insisting that you're a bad person. You're not."

He opened his mouth to argue and she leaned up on her tiptoes to place a soft kiss on his lips, shutting him up for good.


End file.
